My daughter brought home math homework the other day and said she left a paper at school that was supposed to help her with the homework. I told her to get her book out and I would help her. I thought to myself, "How hard could this be?" Surely I can do 4th grade math! Well when she opened to the page I was hoping she wasn't noticing the wave of nauseousness coming over me. It was geometry of some sort. Squares and square roots. Measurements. Math problems in the form of paragraphs. I was breaking out into cold sweats, could she tell?
You: "Aren't you going to school to be a teacher??"
Me: *blank stare*
Ok. I took calculus in college for heaven's sake! It was 10 years ago, mind you, but still....shouldn't I know how to do 4th grade math???? I did learn last semester in my "teaching math" class that 4th grade is the year that students start to fear math, so maybe this is why I'm freaking out!?!
Please will someone out there tell me I'm not the only one who can't help their child with their homework??? HA! :))
UPDATE: I calmed down and actually read the section she was on and was able to help her. I figured out the sheet she left at school was grid paper. We slapped some squares down on paper and got 'er done. (Read that last sentence as country as you can.)
Oh, and don't be scared to have your child in my classroom one day! HA! I think my next class I take will be a refresher math class, do they teach 4th grade math in college???? I assure you that before I try to "teach" math I will know what I'm doing. Hopefully.
This is the question that can send you spiraling into a deep dark depression quicker than anything other than actually being pregnant. Well, unless you want to be. Yes. Someone asked me this today. Yes. I wanted to shoot myself. I mean, what do you say to this? No, moron. I'm just fat? Ok. I do wear a uniform shirt that doesn't tuck in. It has pockets in the front and when laying against my fat roll just so, I suppose you could mistake if for a pregnancy. But still. Have you noticed our fat society in America today? The majority of us fatsos that gorge on fast food 4 to 5 days a week have a fat roll or two....it doesn't mean we're pregnant. Oh, and its not like the rest of my body isn't chubby. Can you not tell my arse is bigger too???? That just maybe I've gained some weight? Uggghhh.
So maybe there are some of you out there that has made this mistake and I'm here to help you. If you see someone who you think is pregnant:
1. Just don't ask. What does it matter if they are?
2. Don't dare pat their fat roll and say "whoa girl, just how far along are you?"
3. If you just can't stand it and have to ask try to ask without actually asking "Are you expecting?" Try this instead: "So, how are feeling? You look wore out!" If they are indeed pregnant you will get the response you are looking for such as: "Oh, just horrible, If this baby doesn't come out soon I'm gonna croak!" If she isn't you might get: "Yeah, come to think of it I am wore out and a little hungry too. Wanna go get some pizza?"
4. Just because she is wearing a shirt that ties in the back, it DOES NOT mean she's expecting. (I refuse to buy these shirts because usually you're just asking for it then.)
I'm sure there are more points to add but I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm gonna go to the Biggest Loser website and see if they are taking applications for next year.
I digress. (or whatever you say to change the subject)
On a more serious note I have an urgent prayer request. A fellow mail carrier that I work with was in a tragic car accident last night and is in very bad shape. It crushed him from his waist down and ruptured his liver and spleen. He also has swelling in the brain and has lost a lot of blood. His name is Jody Hanback. Please lift his name up in prayer and pray that God will bring him through this!
Dawnover at Because I said so posted a video of Tim Hawkins, a Christian comedian who is HILARIOUS!!!! I went over to youtube to find more videos and I found my new theme song. In this video Tim is talking about corporations taking over church songs......
IF you know about my Krispy Kreme craze you will understand why this is my new theme song!!!! Go to youtube.com and listen to more of Tim Hawkins on marriage, parenting, and other funny stuff!!!
Oh and where are my girls??? This is not looking good for girls night.....Am I gonna have to fly girls in from California because my local girls won't come? Deb, I still expect you to come even if are having a wisdom tooth cut out at 3pm that day. Your hands can still draw for Pictionary right???
I know this is a little last minute but I'm hosting a MaryKay/ Girls night at my house on Friday Nov. 16th at 6pm. Holly will be set up here but I also wanted to just have everyone over and have some fun.
Some girls at church mentioned that they had seen the movie "License to Wed" and said it was hilarious, so I thought about renting that and we all can just hang out, maybe play some board games too! ( I am a Pictionary champ, just ask my friend Jennifer!)
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and found out that she had googled her name and found someone with the same name who had written a book. Somehow through the blog world they starting communicating and my friend found her to be this facsinating person who travels around the world. So, I got to thinking. I wonder how many Brooke _____'s there are out there. Would it be someone facsinating???
Here is what I came up with:
The new character on Grey's Anatomy who has taken Dr. Burke's place as head of thoracic surgery. Her real life name is Brooke _____. Interesting, but I bet we will never be in touch.
Next, I found a Brooke S____ who is some sort of anchor person at a news station in Birmingham, AL. She was also runner-up in "The Bachelor" about 5 years ago.
Lastly and most hilarious (to me at least) is Brooke S____ a former spokesperson for..........
KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS!!!!!
I found an article where she had been interviewed and I am not making this up, this was really in the article!!!!
"Doughnuts are a normal part of a healthy, balanced diet," said Brooke _____, a spokeswoman for Krispy Kreme. "We are a taste treat."
Does anyone wanna ride to Chattanooga with me to see if the "hot now" sign is flashing???
I'm definitely emailing this person if I can, I think we will be great friends. I also have no doubt she will be fascinating!!! HAHA!
A friend of mine who reads my blog (but doesn't leave comments...don't you know this kills my self-esteem?) sent me a text message to let me know there was another mail girl who was funny. Ok, does this mean she's funnier than me? So, of course I must go check her out to see. Yep, she's funny and now my new BFF, only she doesn't know it yet. It seems though that I have stolen her name.....
Well instead of up cleaning the house on my non-scheduled day I'm reading EVERY one of her posts, laughing my guts out.
Go check out this post. I've been wanting to write a post about this but she nailed it so need for me to do it....just read hers. What not to say to your mail carrier
My new blog friend Becky over at Stuck in a Frump has tagged me and now I must list 7 random things about me.
I've been wanting to do the one that I have been seeing on other blogs where they list 100 things about themselves but I thought to myself that 50 of them would probably be pet peeves so maybe I shouldn't do one!
I like to keep things positive as not to upset my peaceful internal balance. I'm laughing hysterically now.
Anywhoo, let's get started.
1. I am the Queen of Klutz
If you took the average amount of steps I take on a daily basis and compare it to the average human being (yes aliens are excluded here) you will note that I am on my feet and my fall/step ratio may be justified a tad more than the average person. Looking at my graphs, I would say that I fall an average of 12.8 times a year. That .8 times is the time I almost fall, catch myself, but is still qualified as an embarrassment. (Unless no one witnessed such fall, then if not it is then thrown out.) One of these falls is my "most embarrasing story" moment. Had this fall been captured on tape, I would be a millionaire. No joke. There are probably still people that see me in Wal-mart when I'm wearing my uniform and say, "Look, there's that mail carrier that fell in the road that day!" Maybe I'll tell this one day.
2. I am the Queen of Procrastination
I have 6 assignments due by midnight tonight for my health class, but I'm blogging. I keep telling myself I work better under pressure. I really do. My family suffers though. Have you seen the commercials for the anti-deppresant drug and the ad says "Who does depression hurt?" Well my slogan should say, "Who does procrastination hurt?" Yes. Everyone.
3. I long to be an organized person
I believe if HGTV came to my house and helped me organize it, it would be back to the way it is now within 48 hours. Seriously. What is wrong with me?
4.I'm not a morning person
Well, let's back up. I'm not a nice person when I wake up no matter what time of day, so this includes nice Sunday afternoon naps as well. I don't like this about myself at all. I wish I could wake up every morning like every day was a field trip or like Cinderella when the birds wake her up and she instantly starts singing and making her bed....
It doesn't help that when I stumble into the kitchen to make coffee my husband is laughing at me. I love him, I really do. Just not at 4:30am. Apparently he thinks I'm hilarious right when I wake up. Maybe it's the scowl on my face, the dried slobber on the side of my cheek, or the rat's nest I have for hair?
Wow. This has turned into 7 ways I could bash myself. I am so depressed now.
5. I have never met a donut I didn't like
Not much I can add to that one.
6. I have struggled with my weight most of my life
Don't even try to suggest that 5 and 6 have any correlation whatsoever. I'm attempting to get Madeline to grow up to be a scientist so she can discover why some people have the fat gene and some don't. It's funny to me that my brother and sister have never had much of a weight problem. Interesting. Now where did I put those donuts?
7. My life consists of theme songs
The day of the postman is a lonely one. Walking or driving along there is nothing to do but think. (Unless you have a bluetooth and someone who will talk to you on the phone all day, I don't.)
There is also no radio.
Except the one in my head.
One example of this is when there is something obstructing my way, construction, ect. and I must get by. I, in my ingenious thinking, get around it and when I do a chorus begins in my head: (turn your volume up and press the play button twice)
"Nothin' gets to you stayin' fresh, stayin' cool...."
I am tagging Deb, Lisa, Cheryl, and Melissa. I don't care if you have already done this!!!! I want 7 NEW random things!!!! MUAAHHHHHAAAAAAAA
Ok. Maybe this is not something I should post about, but blogging is really about real life, right?
So, if you are a little on the squeamish side scroll on down for a little less graphicness....is that a word?
First of all, is terd spelled with an "e" or a "u"??? It rhymes with nerd so we'll go with the "e". I didn't try spell check but I'm not so sure they have that word in the dictionary.
Anywhooo, I was blogging a few hours ago (and still at it...wow, I feel like a loser) and all of sudden Madeline says kinda nonchalantly, "Mom, Jack's pooping over here."
Recently I had decided that he wouldn't wear pull-ups anymore because I was convinced that he was using them as a crutch. He would actually bring me a pull-up to poop in. Needless to say, I was wrong.
I ran over (behind the end table) to see how far into the process he had gotten and didn't see any in the floor so I grabbed him up and ran into the bathroom with him, thinking, "Phew, we made it...we might be actually getting somewhere this time!!!" Then, I hear Madeline say "EWWW MOM, GROSS!!! THERE IS A TERD ON THE END TABLE!!!!"
Well at least the Salmonella from last night's raw chicken lickin' hadn't caused any bloody diarrhea yet. This was an intact terd. I made him (with a wipe in his hand, I'm not sure why...it didn't bother him 2 minutes ago to touch it) pick it up and put it in the potty....after I tanned his hide of course!
I'm at my wit's end ya'll. No kidding, I feel like this kid is gonna wear diapers until he's 16!!!! I can see it now. Ok. No, I can't. I tried to go there and I WILL NOT get a visual.
Well maybe I need to go read some more of my "Screamfree Parenting" book. Hopefully Chapter 4 will have some insight into why I scream my bloody head off when there is poop in places there shouldn't be.
Ok. Obviously I'm not really panicking because instead of waiting on comments from my blog friends I would be googling this matter...maybe I should. Hold on.
Ok. I'm back. I think we're gonna be ok. The worst that could come of this is headache, fever, and some bloody diarrhea.
I came home from work today feeling a little domestic. Notice I said "a little". I broke out the Campbell's Cream of Chicken Soup and found a recipe on the inside of the label and had some chicken that needed to be used before it became another smelly thing in my fridge. Now, I'm totally weird when it comes to chicken. I despise handling it and have an immense fear of Salmonella poisoning. Raw chicken is just gross and I'm spending half the time in the kitchen washing my hands before I touch anything after I've touched the slimy gross chicken.
So, I start with pounding the chicken with a can of cream of chicken soup. No, the recipe doesn't call for this but I saw it on some cooking show I usually just watch for entertainment...not practical use. I did, however, remember that to make the chicken thinner you can pound it with something. Anyway, you can thank me later for the tip, as I was doing this Jack came in and decided he would stick his fingers in the raw chicken pack. Before I can throw down the can and grab him, he sticks his fingers in his mouth.
Did I tell you I received my book "Screamfree Parenting" in the mail yesterday? I'm on the third chapter but It hasn't given me any information on what to do if your child licks raw chicken. So, I'm not sure what I yelled ...maybe something about bacteria....what did you think it was a cupcake??....something like that as I'm running him to the bathroom, feeling the vomit rise to my throat. I thoroughly wash his hands 4 times and when I turn the water off he looks up at me and says, "I love you, mama". I can't help but smile as I put my hands around his neck to choke him hug him close and tell him I love him too.
Well supper is over and I still can't stomach the lovely chicken I baked for my precious family. Maybe later I'll eat some Frosted Flakes. :))
I just turned the BIG 3-0 and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet..... I'm married to Jamie and have two children. Madeline is 10 and Jack is 4. I work full time for the post office as a mail carrier and do my best to live so that others may see Christ through me!
