Thursday, May 29, 2008

I Surrender All (There is no Plan B)

I don't usually post this sort of thing. This goes way beyond my comfort zone. I like to be funny, to make people laugh. I like to be upbeat and be that someone who can lift someone up when they are down. I am usually terrible in expressing my feelings, so I just don't.

God has shown his face to me quite a bit here lately though and I just cannot not write about it. (English majors, back off. I'm doing my best here ;)

I've always been one of these people who thinks that if you've had a hard life or something terrible has happened in your past, just get over it. Start today with yourself and make it different. Don't be a victim. That's what I thought I was doing. I was over it. I was strong, independent. I could take care of myself and I didn't need anyone.

I became a Christian when I was a teenager during a rough period of my life. I went to church regularly with a friend and became reliant on God to change the things that were happening in my life. It wasn't in His plan to do so. I realize now that this is where I turned my back on Him. In my mind I hadn't done so but this is when I became self-reliant. I had to take care of me. I had to be in control.

Fast forward to the present and I am still fighting to keep my life in my control. This became apparent to me for the first time last year when we were on our women's retreat with the church.
Lisa spoke of Moses and about God asking him what was in his hand when He knew all along. Lisa asked us what we were holding and was it affecting our lives? God knows what it is, He just wants us to let go of it. (It's also here if you would like to read her Bible study)
I still think of that to this day, yet my hand is clenched ever so tightly. If He asked me what He asked Moses I would probably go as far as hiding it behind my back and answering, "Nothing, Lord. There is nothing there. I'm fine."
And it's not that I haven't tried giving it to Him, it's just the letting go part that I'm having trouble with. Will He really make things ok? My 13 year old self is telling me no.

Recently I have been having some problems with my almost-10-going-on-17 daughter. It has made me look at myself to see if I am to blame. That thing in my hand, the thing that was nothing. Apparently it is affecting the ones I love most. I have come to realize I am angry. I'm angry with my mother, with myself, Madeline's father, and maybe even God. That's scary to me to admit it. I often wonder though why, why didn't He answer my prayers? Why didn't He make it better?

I found myself walking on my route the other day and the chorus of "I surrender all" began to play in my head. I felt that He was telling me that before I can let Him be first in my life I had to surrender it all to Him. I wasn't sure how, (because still in my mind this is my life to control, right?) but I prayed that He would help me.

He showed up to me again last night as I was blogging. I'm not sure how I even found this blog but I do know that it wasn't an accident. I found Bring the Rain, the story of Angie and Todd Smith's daughter Audrey Caroline. (He sings with Selah) I sat here for hours reading and crying over the loss of their child. I knew it was God who sent me this blog when I came upon one of her posts that was titled I surrender all. Angie has an audio link of Todd singing this song which is to be on their next album. (To hear it you will first have to pause the song that starts when you first log on to her blog. Scroll down and on the left hand side click the pause button)
I hope if you don't know their story that you would start from the beginning and read through their journey. It was a blessing to read and has changed my outlook on trusting God and knowing that He will be there right beside me no matter what the road looks like ahead or even behind me. Angie said that even though they prayed for a miracle, they had a Plan B in case it wasn't in God's will to save her. She said though that there never was a Plan B. God had a plan all along. (Audrey's life has ministered to thousands!)

Sorry this was so long. Maybe I need a journal :)) Please pray for me that I will wash my hands of this "thing" and surrender it all to God. Pray that I will do away with my plans and let them be His plans for my life.

10 comments:

Deb said...

You have touched my life in more ways than you know. And your honesty has always inspired me. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will be praying for you! Love ya!

Carrie said...

Girl you hang in there. I will be praying that you can let go and let God. I think writing it out has been the first step, ask God to take the rest. Love ya!

Becky said...

Awww, Brooke. This was a very heartfelt and honest post, and I agree with the others that the first step is addressing it.

I'm not sure what this big "thing" is in your life, but I've had a couple of my own "big thangs" over the years that affected many areas of my life, and I believe were stunting my spiritual growth.

One of which involved deep bitterness towards a person (which incidentally did nothing to them, but ate away at me like cancer, like a taproot going deep into my soul and sucking all the joy out of my life, making me a very critical, unpleasant person to be around). It even began to affect my marriage as a newlywed.

I heard a Christian speaker say something along the lines of how my bitterness was keeping me from true, unfettered fellowship with God. I finally repented of my sin of bitterness, and in doing so was finally able to forgive that person (which involved the very difficult step of writing a letter asking forgiveness) and was finally able to move on in victory.

Occasionally, I'm tempted to go back and dredge up some of the bad memories, but I'm learning that times like that are when the evil one is trying to gain a foothold, and so I'm learning to leave things be, and move forward in faith and obedience to the Lord.

While I realize that sometimes the past is best left in the past, but in this case, nearly 4 years of estrangement between myself and that person ended shortly after the letter was received, and the relationship has since been restored to something better than it was before. Best of all, I've got that close fellowship with the Lord again and the Joy came back.

Anyway, Brooke...I'll be praying that you, too, will find victory and peace in this area of your life. Hang in there. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Brooke, I didn't know this side of you existed, and yet I thought I knew you fairly well and that we were close friends!! Now I am thinking I am so caught up in my own drama that I haven't taken the time to "listen " to you....so I am sorry if thats the case. But I totally felt I was reading my very own mind with your post. I can so very much so relate to exactly every word you wrote. I love ya, and I know HE will help you esp when you are willing. Love, Tonya
P.S. I have been missing our lunches together

Anonymous said...

Brooke, I didn't know this side of you existed, and yet I thought I knew you fairly well and that we were close friends!! Now I am thinking I am so caught up in my own drama that I haven't taken the time to "listen " to you....so I am sorry if thats the case. But I totally felt I was reading my very own mind with your post. I can so very much so relate to exactly every word you wrote. I love ya, and I know HE will help you esp when you are willing. Love, Tonya
P.S. I have been missing our lunches together

Cheryl said...

Hang in there girl! I lived with a bad memory of my past for a long time and sometimes it tries to sneak up on me also. It is very hard to let go and let God have control. You can. Just keep on praying about it. Don't ever think you can't do it. I think you are beautiful inside and out! Love You!

Britt said...

o.k.. so as I'm doing my summer morning routine of reading blogs, I found yours again.... and now I'm crying like a big baby. There is a reason that I found Audrey's blog as well and it was just pointed out to me as I read your post. I will be praying for you. So glad I'm home for the summer and really getting to know people in the church!

judith said...

this is by far the best writing you have had. You are a special person and touch many lives with your laughter and also with your heart. Don't give in and don't give up. He will carry you.

Deedra said...

I read this post a few days ago, but Rambo came in and I didn't get a comment posted. Anyway, I just want to let you know I have been praying for you. I'm alot like you in that I'd rather laugh than talk about something that is bothering me. I tend to hold things in until they drag me down. You hang in there! I'm here if you need me.

Love you!
Deedra

Rosheeda said...

I'm new to your blog. Came to read Thankful Thursday and was inclined to keep going. I am Moses. It is at the point that you open your hand and say 'ok God. Not my will. Not my way. I'll do it. But You have to do it with me - for me.' THEN you will experience faith and Christ and relationship in a way that you've never imagined.

Everything that the Lord allows to touch your life has a purpose; as you relase the hurt of old things, you will begin to see how those things shaped you and prepared you for what lies ahead. Embrace the past as the teacher and preparer that it was meant to be and releas to the Lord the hurt of the lessons.

Surrender is a process. Allow it to come in God's time and His way.

Rosheeda