Dear Mr. City Cop,

Why do you want to pull me over?
Don't you know I'm in a hurry?
Yes, I know I don't have a tag, or proof of insurance, or a bill of sale, and I was speeding
but hey, we're pals, right?
We both work to serve the public
(you do want your mail don't ya?)
I'm wearing a uniform can't you see?
Cut me a break, I just bought this car
see, poke your head in here, it still has that new car smell!
No?
Well ok, just walk back to your car with my license then.....
Please Lord.....I'm sorry I didn't pray this morning but can you listen now?
Ok...where are the tears....oh forget it, I just put my makeup on
I'm gonna hurt my brother for this
He didn't have to take the tag yet...
yeah, I know...maybe it wasn't his fault I was speeding
or that I didn't have my insurance card with me
but I gotta blame somebody right now
Oh here he comes....
great. He has a clipboard. not a good sign.
Yada. Yada. Yada. get a bill of sale..slow it down.....here's your ticket.
So, thanks Mr. City Cop for doing such a great job today
You deserve something really great but nothing really comes to mind right now
Have a nice day?
Yep. there's nothing like being late for work AND having a ticket
Have a nice day too!
Sincerely, The Mailgirl

**I went to the city hall after work with my proof of insurance and they dismissed it.

Puppy dog tails.....and pee on the seat?????

Is this what boys are made of???

Ok, yes. I know. I did grow up with a younger brother. I am quite aware of the male species' lack of aim. What I don't get is why my husband taught my just-newly-potty-trained son that real men pee standing up.

Couldn't he sit down to pee for at least 6 months? Would this have totally ruined his masculinity? I mean, in 6 months he might actually be tall enough to pee inside of the toilet instead of having a bathroom fountain spraying all over my toothbrushes? (*Note to self: Get new toothbrush tomorrow)

Secondly, I'm one of these people who think you should touch the toilet as little as possible. Yes, even in my own home. My husband did teach Jack to lift the seat before relieving himself but I'm not so sure that's a good thing either. C'mon if you've lived with a man, you know what's under there.......and I know...germs are not gonna kill him but now I have to clean that thing everyday now knowing my little baby is having to pee like a man.......

I did want him potty trained, right?

Angels are Singing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...maybe it's just me imagining the heavenly hallelujahs.......

JACK POOPED IN THE POTTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry if this seems so unfunny, uninteresting, or just plain boring but I don't care!!!!!!!!!! I'm free from the poop!!!!! (Maybe. It was just one time.)

I came close to taking a picture of it and putting it on here but I rethought it. You can thank me later. :))

No, I haven't quit.........yet.

I haven't quit blogging completly, I've just been pulling my hair out over this:









Why, do you ask, is the potty behind the end table? This is Jack's famous pooping spot. The end table you see is the exact one in which he placed a lovely turd on. Anyway, he loves to stand back there in complete privacy and relieve himself. So, I figured I would put his potty back there and he just might decide to sit on it.

I found him standing beside it doing his business the next day.

So, I had to make him sit on it and this is why he's crying.

I'm about to strap him back on a diaper and say, "Dude, go for it."

I'm just at my wit's end. He will pee in the potty and is even wearing underwear all day...but get this....he will go get a pull up when he needs to do the number 2. Is there some kind of Freudian philosophy to this?? Why does he have a turd-in-the-potty-hang-up????

Lisa, Can you dream me up an answer for this??? HA! (Ya'll go check out Lisa's crazy dreams!!!! She's over there on my blogroll under the preachers' wife!)

Do you miss me???`

Yeah well. Stop pressuring me to be funny. I just can't take it anymore. Really.

So, while I'm having a blogger's block.....here is a couple of funny posts to get you by. Sue is hilarious, you're gonna love her. I almost gasped a minute ago because I thought she actually added me to her blog roll......turns out there are more Brooke's in this world other than me. Who knew?


They are so going to take away my chick card This is SO me. I was laughing til I was crying...but then again that's almost every post she writes.

And one more.

Things I Want To Have Happen This Year But They Probably Won’t Because I Unfortunately Do Not Control The Universe & Also God Does Not Like Show-Offs
Ok. This one I think I was actually laughing until I was making some weird dying sound.

Ok. Enjoy. Maybe next time I'll be back to pen something funny that I can actually claim.

I got nothin'

I got nothin' to give.

I'm blank. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

It's pretty sad that my only excitement lately is that they have opened some new lanes in the town I deliver mail in. Now I don't have to cut so many people off when I pull out of every bloomin' business I deliver to. Woohoo.

What else? Oh. My hubby just barfed like he was dying.
A. He is dying.
B. He's allergic to the antibiotics they gave him at the dentist today.
or
C. He has a stomach virus.

I'm really pulling for B.

And what's with this writer's strike? What is it exactly that they want? 1 million, 2 million, c'mon people, rich is rich, right?

I NEED something new on t.v.!!! I couldn't even watch any stars strut down the red carpet last night because they didn't show up for the Golden Globes. I believe I would have crossed the picket lines to get my award. Hey, and just think, all the attention would be on me. They would ask me, "Brooke, Brooke, who are you wearing tonight?" I would say, "Oh, this old thing? I got it at a thrift store over on Rodeo Drive........"

See, I'm tellin' ya. I got nothin'.

I love free stuff

If you've wondered why I've been absent from blogging it's because I have become a total coupon nerd.

I have a friend that I work with that has introduced me to Walgreens and the Sunday paper coupons.

I now have become addicted to getting things for free or next to nothing. Are these things always something I need? No. But who cares? It's free, right? I'm sure I'll use it at some point in time or give it away to someone in need.

Here is an example of a good buy.....Crest with Scope on sale for 2.49. 1.00 Sunday coupon and 1.00 Walgreens coupon and waaalaa (or Voila).... Crest with Scope .49 cents!!!! You can't beat that with a stick now can ya?

Now, here is an example of a good buy but not so good buy.....Nice and Easy Copper Red Hair Color on sale for 3.49. Sunday paper coupon for 3.00 and with the Walgreens coupon it made it FREE!!!

Does anyone need any Nice and Easy Copper Red Hair Color?? :))

And the winner is...................

And the winner is........................




ANGELA @ Dimple Queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats Angela!!!!

I'll find out later this afternoon how we can get in touch to get your address!

Ya'll go on over and congratulate her!!!!! Thanks for everyone else who played...it was fun!

CONTEST!!!!! **Are you a movie buff???**

My sister and I love movie quotes. If anything remotely close to a movie quote is said we usually will look at each other and say the movie quote. I love it! So, I've dug up some of my favorites and I'm making a contest out of it!!!! My first one!!! The winner will receive a $20 gift card to Starbucks!!!! (Oh, and reading other people's comments before answering is also considered cheating!!! :))

This is open to everyone, so all of you lurkers post your answers for a chance to win!!!!

Here are the rules: No cheating!!!! Only God and you will know of course but as you are slurping down that frappacino you might just choke on it...just kidding! HA! If you get at least 5 right you will be entered into the drawing and I will pick someone at random. The contest will end on New Years Eve at midnight!!!!!

1. Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.
(Way too easy)

2. I can bear it no longer! Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be take this child of mine far away from me!

3. -Can we get there in your car?
- Who told you I had a car?
-The men in the village.
-They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.

4. -Tell me what was so special about your wife?
-Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

5. ....these are somebody else's wishes. They're somebody else's dreams.
- Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back.

6. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die

7. Do you like sweet plum or cherry? (I'll be surprised if anyone other than my sis gets this one!)

8. Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.

9. I AM NOT A FISH! How many times do I have to tell you people that? So, can you please just let me outta here? Huh? Please? People?

10. Who rang that bell?

11. I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

12. I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna let me go!

13. Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

14. I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

15. Hey, you're all right. I didn't do nothing any decent person wouldn't have done. Dumb dog.

16. Toe Pick!!!

Good Luck!!!!! ( I got this great idea from Dawn over at Because I said so...Love it!)

"Mom, what is sperm???"

Me: "Oh, you know, when you go to the salon and get your hair curly." (She didn't just say sperm did she???)

Madeline: "No mom. Not perm. Sperm."

Me: "Oh, um, well.....why???"

Madeline: "My teacher said to ask you."

Me: "What???"

Madeline: "Well she was reading us a book about crabs....."

Me: "WHAT? What do you mean crabs?"

Madeline: "You know, they crawl around on the sand near the ocean!"

Me: "Oh. And...."

Madeline: "Well the teacher said something about the male crab and sperm but she didn't feel comfortable explaining what it was and thought you should."

Me: "Well lucky me."

Madeline: "Well, what is it?"

Ok...so I won't go into what I told her but sheesh, I was definitely not ready to talk "the talk" last night. Where was my warning?

"Mrs, Mom, we read a book about sperm today and you might want to have a good definition ready because she will ask." Thanks Mrs. Teacher

Ok. She is nine. I guess I should've already had the talk with her but I have my reasons. Really, I do. Madeline is a talker. I haven't a clue where she got it from but she is. If she is told ANYTHING you might as well have told the whole fourth grade class. So, I feel like I have done all the other mothers a favor by not telling Madeline the facts of life. Well, and also because I just wasn't ready for her know either!!!!

I think I'm gonna send her teacher a note saying "Hey, thanks for giving me the "birds and the bees" oppurtunity. I was just dying to tell her ALL about it." :))

Get in Bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does anyone other than me fight with their kids to get them to go to sleep?
My son gets out of bed at least 5 times. I was gonna say 50 but I think that's a tad over-exaggerated.
I wish for a June Cleaver moment as I tuck them into bed, kiss them goodnight, and leave them smiling and already dreaming as I tiptoe out the door.......
It's only a wish though.....Jack only goes to sleep after I've threatened to whip him like 50 times. I know. There lies the problem. I threaten. And threaten. I just hate to whip him and then say "Good night sweetie, sweet dreams" ....after I just thrashed him with a belt...ya know?
Why can't they be like us and dream of the moment that our heads finally hit the pillow and never even remember falling into a deep, dark coma. Well, that is, until a 3 year old climbs in the bed and kicks you for a couple hours before you wake up enough to realize some kid is in your bed interrupting your peaceful dream of McDreamy, I mean Jamie....

Anywhoo.....I found this song that fits......listen to it. Seriously. You have time.

Bah Humbug!

Not really. I love Christmas...

but I'd be glad to stuff a hundred dollar bill in that red bucket as long as he would quit ringing that darn bell............maybe I'll ask him the next time I go in Walmart for the fifth time this week!

::

Do you ever wonder why the meteorolgoists tell us the cloud conditions at night? "Tonight, partly cloudy and cold" .....
"No camping tonight kids, it's gonna be cloudy!".

I think it's waaayyy past my bedtime. :))

1-800-KissMyRear

This is my new customer service number.
(Please don't really call this, there is no telling what you might get.)

It's the 3rd of the month and that means I was one popular girl around town today. (Unless their check didn't come, then my name is mud.)

Being the sweet, caring, mailgirl that I am I change my route around on the third so that my sweet little old ladies can get their check and get to the bank before it closes. Now, mind you, I'm not crossing town to do this...I'm crossing the street. Normally I would get the right hand of the street and come back a couple hours later and get the other side. Yes, it may not make sense to you that I don't just deliver the other side while I'm there but trust me, this is just how this route runs.

Anywho...I get back to the post office at dark-thirty and finally breathe a sigh of relief that the day is finally over. (Don't worry I did remember my son today.)
My supervisor came to me and told me that someone called with a complaint.
On me? No way!
She seemed somewhat amused so I wasn't too worried but when she finished I was stunned at the audacity of some people. This person called and did not want to give the supervisor their exact address but gave the street and wanted to make a complaint on "the mailgirl". This guy said that I looked like I didn't know what I was doing.....he knows how I normally deliver the mail and I wasn't doing that. He actually said that he didn't have anything better to do and would watch me.....every day. (Freaky.)

Can you believe that he actually picked up the phone, dialed the post office, and made this crazy complaint??? Sheesh....GET A LIFE, PEOPLE!!!!!

Ok. Now I feel better.

Do I have any friends?

I'm not sure if this saying is just from my era or a regional thing but saying to someone, "Do I have any friends?" and tilting your head slightly upward is a way of asking "Do I have any boogers?" without saying "Do I have any boogers?"

I feel, however, that if you really have friends (not boogers, but actual human friends) that if you were to have a booger or say, a strawberry seed inbetween their two front teeth, they would tell you right? Well I'm not so sure of this.

We had a baby shower for Melissa today at church and I devoured a scrumptious plate of "baby shower" delicacies. (Mrs. Mann, that cake was AWESOME...I don't know why Nancy was cutting the pieces so little) I also had some strawberries with cream cheese dip which I probably should have avoided......

After we all ate we sat and chatted for a while (sorry Melissa, there is only so much blue you can oohh and awwwh over :)) We discussed teeth, denistry, and how important it is to floss (One of them is a dentist's assistant, the other was the preacher's wife ). I tell them all goodbye and when I get to the car and look in the mirror, low and behold, I have a strawberry seed inbetween my two front teeth!!!!

Where are all my friends to tell me I have "friends"??? :P

Are you smarter than a 4th grader?

Obviously, I'm not. *sigh*

My daughter brought home math homework the other day and said she left a paper at school that was supposed to help her with the homework. I told her to get her book out and I would help her. I thought to myself, "How hard could this be?" Surely I can do 4th grade math!
Well when she opened to the page I was hoping she wasn't noticing the wave of nauseousness coming over me.
It was geometry of some sort. Squares and square roots. Measurements. Math problems in the form of paragraphs. I was breaking out into cold sweats, could she tell?

You: "Aren't you going to school to be a teacher??"

Me: *blank stare*

Ok. I took calculus in college for heaven's sake! It was 10 years ago, mind you, but still....shouldn't I know how to do 4th grade math????
I did learn last semester in my "teaching math" class that 4th grade is the year that students start to fear math, so maybe this is why I'm freaking out!?!

Please will someone out there tell me I'm not the only one who can't help their child with their homework??? HA! :))

UPDATE:
I calmed down and actually read the section she was on and was able to help her. I figured out the sheet she left at school was grid paper. We slapped some squares down on paper and got 'er done. (Read that last sentence as country as you can.)

Oh, and don't be scared to have your child in my classroom one day! HA! I think my next class I take will be a refresher math class, do they teach 4th grade math in college????
I assure you that before I try to "teach" math I will know what I'm doing. Hopefully.

Coming soon............

A new post....if I can get up early enough. HA!

Gosh, I feel so loved by ya'll that have missed me!!!! :))

"Are you expecting again?"

This is the question that can send you spiraling into a deep dark depression quicker than anything other than actually being pregnant. Well, unless you want to be.
Yes.
Someone asked me this today.
Yes.
I wanted to shoot myself.
I mean, what do you say to this? No, moron. I'm just fat?
Ok. I do wear a uniform shirt that doesn't tuck in. It has pockets in the front and when laying against my fat roll just so, I suppose you could mistake if for a pregnancy. But still. Have you noticed our fat society in America today? The majority of us fatsos that gorge on fast food 4 to 5 days a week have a fat roll or two....it doesn't mean we're pregnant.
Oh, and its not like the rest of my body isn't chubby. Can you not tell my arse is bigger too???? That just maybe I've gained some weight? Uggghhh.

So maybe there are some of you out there that has made this mistake and I'm here to help you. If you see someone who you think is pregnant:

1. Just don't ask. What does it matter if they are?

2. Don't dare pat their fat roll and say "whoa girl, just how far along are you?"

3. If you just can't stand it and have to ask try to ask without actually asking "Are you expecting?" Try this instead: "So, how are feeling? You look wore out!" If they are indeed pregnant you will get the response you are looking for such as: "Oh, just horrible, If this baby doesn't come out soon I'm gonna croak!" If she isn't you might get: "Yeah, come to think of it I am wore out and a little hungry too. Wanna go get some pizza?"

4. Just because she is wearing a shirt that ties in the back, it DOES NOT mean she's expecting. (I refuse to buy these shirts because usually you're just asking for it then.)

I'm sure there are more points to add but I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm gonna go to the Biggest Loser website and see if they are taking applications for next year.

I digress. (or whatever you say to change the subject)

On a more serious note I have an urgent prayer request. A fellow mail carrier that I work with was in a tragic car accident last night and is in very bad shape. It crushed him from his waist down and ruptured his liver and spleen. He also has swelling in the brain and has lost a lot of blood. His name is Jody Hanback. Please lift his name up in prayer and pray that God will bring him through this!

My new theme song.....

Dawnover at Because I said so posted a video of Tim Hawkins, a Christian comedian who is HILARIOUS!!!! I went over to youtube to find more videos and I found my new theme song. In this video Tim is talking about corporations taking over church songs......



IF you know about my Krispy Kreme craze you will understand why this is my new theme song!!!! Go to youtube.com and listen to more of Tim Hawkins on marriage, parenting, and other funny stuff!!!

Oh and where are my girls??? This is not looking good for girls night.....Am I gonna have to fly girls in from California because my local girls won't come? Deb, I still expect you to come even if are having a wisdom tooth cut out at 3pm that day. Your hands can still draw for Pictionary right???

Anyone up for a girl's night???

I know this is a little last minute but I'm hosting a MaryKay/ Girls night at my house on Friday Nov. 16th at 6pm. Holly will be set up here but I also wanted to just have everyone over and have some fun.

Some girls at church mentioned that they had seen the movie "License to Wed" and said it was hilarious, so I thought about renting that and we all can just hang out, maybe play some board games too! ( I am a Pictionary champ, just ask my friend Jennifer!)

Anyone up for it??

(I'll have Krispy Kreme donuts!!!!!)

Ya'll let me know!!!!

Have you ever googled your name???

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and found out that she had googled her name and found someone with the same name who had written a book. Somehow through the blog world they starting communicating and my friend found her to be this facsinating person who travels around the world.
So, I got to thinking. I wonder how many Brooke _____'s there are out there. Would it be someone facsinating???

Here is what I came up with:

• The new character on Grey's Anatomy who has taken Dr. Burke's place as head of thoracic surgery. Her real life name is Brooke _____. Interesting, but I bet we will never be in touch.
  

• Next, I found a Brooke S____ who is some sort of anchor person at a news station in Birmingham, AL. She was also runner-up in "The Bachelor" about 5 years ago.

• Lastly and most hilarious (to me at least) is Brooke S____ a former spokesperson for..........
  
  KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS!!!!!
  
  I found an article where she had been interviewed and I am not making this up, this was really in the article!!!!
  
  

"Doughnuts are a normal part of a healthy, balanced diet," said Brooke _____, a spokeswoman for Krispy Kreme. "We are a taste treat."

Does anyone wanna ride to Chattanooga with me to see if the "hot now" sign is flashing???

I'm definitely emailing this person if I can, I think we will be great friends. I also have no doubt she will be fascinating!!! HAHA!